Can i get a stand in girl friend by tea-time on sunday?

Ok here's the deal,see basicly ive been living a lie for the past four years,my folks think im marraid to a lovely wholesome girl and extend me a comfortable living,the problem is im actually a total waster and **** all my inheritance against a wall each week. Im not even in a meaningfull relationship(ever),people say im very shallow and sister Emelda from first grade if your reading this im afraid all your worst fears have come through for me.....anyhow my folks have layed down the gauntlet and unless they get invited to tea this sunday,there going to cut off my inheritance. So thats where you come in,i need a stand in wife,notting heavy just for a couple of hours,im not fussy about age or looks,female or even a very convincing tranny between 18 and 80 would be good,english speaking would deffo be an advantage,under 26stone because mommy is gona wanna recreate the moment i carraid you over the treshold of our door on our wedding day,i got our wedding album story covered,an unfortunate incident with a nest of thermites means we dont actually have one. So what do you get in return.....humm,a bloody good laugh at my expence O and a recipe for jam scones would be good to.